Switching Rates

*voice continues* Please don’t hang up once the call is done and over with, because you will be given the chance to rate your customer experience.

Please wait, a real person will be ready to talk to you at any moment. *voice ends*

Hello, my name is Carroll Schiano, how can I help you?

Hi, I’m calling to switch my tariff.

Okay… Can you give me your customer ID please?

Sure, it’s 81726362167236478382346263282389589457328233737438539457348734729238943985478465, did you get it?

No, can you repeat it please?

No problem at all. It’s 81726362167236478382346263282389589457328233737438539457348734729238943985478465.

Got it. I’m talking to Mr. Beckum? Mr. Sylvester Beckum?

Yes, that’s right. I’m Mr. Beckum.

Did you already decide which tariff you’d like, or…

Yes I did, I’d like to switch my contract to the current “Basic” variant.

Really??? The BASIC variant?!?

Yes, why, is there a problem?

Uhm… It’s… It’s just this tariff is barely in use anymore. Only few people ask for it…

(Well then maybe your company should offer less shitty tariffs, if people don’t want them anymore.) I see.

All our customers want the COMFORT package (which costs 10 bucks a month more). It offers flatrates for Internet AND telephone.

(Yeah, you’d love that, earning 10 bucks more off of me, wouldn’t you?) Thanks a bunch, but Basic’ll do.

But it doesn’t offer flatrates for Internet AND telephone.

(Oh boy this approach is so bad. Are there really people this gullible, to fall for this?) Yes, I know.

Hmmm.

Hello?

Are you perhaps still using other providers?

(?) I have my telephone connection with you guys. (She’s probably referring to call by call, because of my defiance of their phone flat, but since she’s not using the correct term, I’m reacting to her exact words.)

(I believe she noticed her mistake, but isn’t gonna go into it any further…) Yes… (Her routine doesn’t fit at all to the previous conversation.) I’m just using my computer right now… Say, Mr. Beckum, do you have a cell phone?

No. (I’m lying. Why should I tell you?)

Because we have this incredible offer to make. You have no idea what great things are happening right now in this market segment!!!

(I wish.) Aha.

If you choose this option, then…

(First the Comfort package stuff and now this? Geez.) No thanks, I’m really not interested.

But why…

Dunno. Just not interested. (She acts like I opted not to save a child in need or something.) When will the switch be complete?

In approximately 2 weeks.

2 Weeks? Isn’t there a faster way?

No. I already selected the earliest date. It always takes a LITTLE time.

Will I receive a letter, confirming the new tariff? (Talking to you, I realize I better have this shit in writing!)

It will be confirmed in 6 weeks, along the switch.

6 weeks?!? Didn’t you just say 2?

Oh. Yes, 2. I was just on the page of the customer who called before you. My bad.

(Argh!) Uhm… I’d also like to ask, if my RAM (Rate Adaptive Mode) profile will stay active with the new… tariff.

Ram? Profile? […] Do you have… information – that it wouldn’t?

(She has no fucking clue what that “pilot project” is, her company is running for 1,5 years…) Because it’s really important to me, I’d really like to know it’s not gonna change. (Hopelessness overwhelms me, as I realize that I won’t be getting this information from her and therefore won’t learn the outcome until it’s “too late”.)

Okay I’m done. Is there still something I can do for you? (Like throwing offers around I don’t want and need.)

No, thanks. (Since you can’t or won’t give me the information I’m looking for, what good would it do, to continue asking?) Bye.

Bye.

*click*

Shit, I forgot my chance to rate this call before hanging up.

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